Thursday, February 22, 2007

Boys Night Out

Well, well, well, it’s amazing what a night out will do for insider tips and such. Whew. I needed that. After a hellishly long day of smearing just the right shade of “butter rum” on an elderly couple’s second home, your Snarky Boy hopped in the car for a different kind of venue: Waterbury’s best, The Alchemist. Oops, did I say, Waterbury’s best? I meant to say: Waterbury’s only. And you know what I mean. But if you don’t, just go there and then you’ll know. It’s the best. Deal with it.

It seemed to be lobbyists’ night out in Waterbury because, quite frankly, they were swarming. Worse, they all seemed to want a piece of Snarky Boy with their tips and such. What can I say, they trust me. And they should. Just as they should know that the news that flows from their lips should not be inaccurate because the Snarky Boy has ways of making their houses turn strange colors in the deep, dark hours of the night. Whatever.

So, dear readers, here are the tips for the evening before my tired head hits the pillow with nothing but images of the second-home folks peering in to see if the
stupid “butter rum” is more butter or more rum as it dries. Oh baby, feel the excitement.

Governor Douglas will be appointing Jon Anderson
to replace Francis Brooks in the State Legislature. And the reasons are as clear as they are obvious: Mayor Hooper is too ambitious (read: she'll use the seat as a launching pad to take on Senator Phil Scott) and the rest of the candidates are too – well – unknown and undeserving. While I totally understand the part about the “other” candidates, I’m having a hell of a hard time understanding the threat of Hooper. I mean, come on, she’s like the paint I see drying all day long on the walls: b-o-r-i-n-g. Worse, she’s the kind of liberal who pretends to be all about where she’s at right now but you know she’s looking past you to her next great endeavor. Yep, you know the kind: they’ll talk with you in public until someone “better” comes down the road. Hats off to the Governor for recognizing this. But my guess is that Anderson will be facing Hooper in the next election anyway so, ultimately, the starry-eyed Montpelier voters will get their say on this soon enough. One thing’s for sure, though: the dopey little Dem blog, Green Mountain Daily, will be kissing some serious wife ass after pretending she was in the running for the seat when, in fact, everyone in the know is laughing about his husbandly conjectures. Oh boy, the things some boys will do to get (temporarily) laid.

Peter Welch is quickly being known as the “ambulance chasing” congressman.
Hey, what can you say, Welch-the-lawyer has been chasing ambulances for so long that it’s apparently hard to get it out of his system. Welch is so intent on pandering that he’s signed onto all kinds of contradictory pieces of legislation, especially when it comes to the Iraq war. After he got his hand caught reaching for the Bush autograph at the State of the Union, Welch has tried to play catch-up by signing onto about every piece of legislation that pretends to end the war. The problem, of course, is that when you look at all the things Welch has signed onto you have to wonder if he ever bothered to read any of the bills. Welch has, for example, signed onto legislation that would not toothlessly condemn the escalation, end the war in nine months, end the war in twelve months, and seek to end the war within 24 months. Talk about covering your bases. Good grief. Hey Peter-the-Panderer, why not believe in something and fight for it?

Speaking of Peter-the-Panderer, you gotta love his thirteenth hour call for an investigation into the news that veterans of the Iraq war were receiving substandard care at the Veterans Administration hospitals. Sure, it’s great that he saw the problem, but you gotta wonder about his timing (hint: he was way late). Specifically, Peter-the-Panderer came out “swinging” with his request for an investigation nearly 36 hours after everybody and their mother had already demanded the same kind of investigation as a result of the immense media coverage of the problem. But being late never bothers ambulance chasers. Not, at least, when you’ve got a chance at scoring some press. And, trust me, the Vermont media played along with Peter by somehow making his pandering “news.” As usual, though, the best coverage of Peter’s pandering came from WDEV’s morning news service. While announcing Welch’s “call for an investigation” into the sub-substandard medical care for Iraqi war veterans, the WDEV hosts couldn’t help but chuckle and declare, “well, Welch and about every other member of congress has called for this investigation.” Yep, pandering has its own distinct smell. Call it: obvious.

While we’re on Welch, there was all kinds of chuckling over his ridiculous “official” congressional website. Check it out HERE if you haven’t seen it lately. Remember, this is the website from a successful candidate who declared that he was going to hit the ground running and take whacks at Bush like no other elected official has whacked him – or something like that.

But let’s look at what he’s got for us now that he’s known he’s had the office for nearly four months: Nada. Oops, that’s not quite right, because he’s got a lot of nonsense about – well – the nonsense of being Peter. His main message still seems to revolve around this equation:

And, please, as much as I look at it, it still seems to add up to the same thing: Zero. Leave it to the liberals, they can always make being a zero seem like something. But it’s not, because zero is always zero.

But now scroll down from Peter’s great zero proclamation and see what he has to offer his constituents. Yep, you see it as plain as I see it: the opportunity to download a “high-resolution” photo of Peter. Ew. Has he lost his mind? I mean, come on, Larry Birkhead he’s not.

Did I miss something, or did Welch campaign for the opportunity to provide Vermonters with the ability to download “high-resolution” photos of himself? Damn, I really thought I was paying attention during the campaign and heard Welch talking about taking on Bush, ending the war and providing health care for all. Oops, there goes the ambulance chaser in him, thinking that if he just features his photo with a flag people will swoon and hire him. Hey Peter, you’re elected, now get to work.

I’ve got more but I’m running into the wee hours of the evening. Let’s call it a night, with the promise that we’ll have a date by lunchtime to continue the conversation.

Thanks for playing, dear readers. The snarky pleasure is all mine.