Monday, March 12, 2007

Just Read It

Holy shit. What a day. But I promise not to pull a Freyne and tell you all about it – photos and all. Because, unlike Freyne, I know we all go through hectic days. The good news is that now it’s nighttime, I’m sipping yet another cup of coffee, and hoping to give you, dear readers, the snarkiness you seem to be looking for.

Speaking of readers, my weekend emails set an all-time high. Yowza. Tips galore. And stories. And gossip. And nice little gems like this: “Shut up ass-face.” Pitter-patter goes the snarky heart.

Let’s begin by looking at the mail while my Vermont Coffee Company night brew slowly kicks in. But, before I begin, let me remind my readers that your mail is sacred with me. I DO NOT name names unless you want me to or you send me some whacked-out nonsense like the Beaudry family does from time to time with a threat attached to it that they’re going to read it on air if I don’t cede to their demands. Poor Beaudry’s. It must be hard to wake up every morning and wonder how they’re going to get through the day using their native language as if they’re just learning it.

Speaking of Beaudry, I got a tip over the weekend on the op/ed piece that appeared in today’s Times-Argus by a Norwich Cadet, Christopher Hein, a guy who seems to be in Beaudry-like training for human reasoning and the lack thereof. This poor rook apparently did what Beaudry does for all his homework: watches Fox News – especially Bill O’Reilly -- until he hears the “fair and balanced” slogan enough so that he can’t smell the bullshit.

When Hein’s piece arrived in my email box I thought it was a hoax and no one in their right minds at the Times Argus would print it. But, as I fumbled through the paper this morning, there it was.

Hein’s piece, entitled “Anti-War Events are Publicity Stunts, Work Against Troops’ Interests,” is boilerplate pro-war ninniness. You know the stuff: Sounding off against the war is harming our troops; the media is a liberal cabal; Cindy Sheehan runs the world; and, other than telling anti-war people to shut the hell up and stuff our democratic ideals down our pie holes, this war is about promoting democratic ideals. Go figure.

But Hein propagates the nonsense started on Beaudry’s show that “Sheehan was brought to Vermont by the State Legislature.” And even though the angry-mommy, Marion Gray, who started that ridiculous lie on Beaudry’s show, has since recanted it, the bottom feeders of this kind of drivel haven’t quite come to grips with this fact. Earth to the Pro-War Crowd: The State Legislature did NOT bring Sheehan here or pay one penny for her appearance. Besides, the committee she appeared before was chaired by one of your GOP brethren, Vince Illuzzi, although I’d bet he wouldn’t consider himself one of your brethren – mostly because he appears to have a thinking gene.

Hein also spends a lot of time speaking about anti-war “publicity stunts” and the complacent media that follows them like city pigeons following bread crumbs (my words, not his – he’s not that clever). But did he say “publicity stunts”? Oh yeah, like Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” stunt – flack jacket and all! Or how about Bush’s Thanksgiving appearance in Baghdad a couple of years ago? Or how about that Saddam hanging? Or the Colin Powell appearance before the UN before the war – you know, the one where he declared the evidence that really wasn’t evidence amounted to a “slam-dunk” when it came to proving Saddam was about to enter our living rooms, marry our daughters and demand the remote control so he could make us all watch CBS News instead of Fox. Evil Fucker.

Yeah, Sir Hein(y), we know all about publicity stunts.

But before I let this future Bush fodder – er, make that soldier – go, taste this delicious line from his TA piece: “The problem that we have here in the United States is that we only have one point of view of the war and that is the media.”

Is he, by any chance, trying to say that Fox News is the same as Democracy Now? It sure feels like it, huh? Poor fella. Someone’s gotta break it to this Heiny soldier boy that the idea of the media in a so-called democracy is a plethora of voices and views. And when your side is spending billions upon billions of dollars on a war that has hijacked the lives of hundreds of thousands of U.S. soldiers and killed three thousand of them, it’s really hard to take you seriously when you pretend to be a powerless victim. What is it, Sir Heiny, that you want that you haven’t already got when it comes to this war? More fucking body bags? Take a hike.

Freyne Wipes His Nose, photo to come! It sure seems like that, doesn’t it? I mean, how many reporters go to cover an event and come away with photos of them covering the event? Or, worse, come away with copy about them and their relation to the event? The answer: Why, Peter Freyne, of course.

Over the weekend, Freyne decided it was newsworthy to be at the Burlington Airport to greet Senator Leahy as he got off a plane from DC. And, you guessed it, Freyne got some schmuck in the airport to stop and snap a picture of Freyne and Leahy smiling for the cameras. Yep, it was yet another “look at me! look at me!” report from Freyne. But I’m guessing he was really there in the hopes that Saint Patrick would offer him a job so he could quit making a journalistic ass of himself for repeatedly running headlines like: “Leahy Airport Saturday.” Wow, and what will he do on Sunday? Church? Sorry Peter, Leahy’s whereabouts would be news if the headline was more like “Leahy Planet Rock Saturday.” But the fucking airport? Wake me when you’re done snapping the photos.

And now, today, Freyne’s still following Leahy around – but careful not to make Sanders or Welch jealous because he still can’t decide which one he loves more – by attending the silly little farm bill hearing the threesome had at the State House. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know all about it, only because you’ve read all about it so many times you can shed that farmer tear just from the headline that says “farmer.” Boo-fucking-hoo. And if you don’t know all about it, here’s the forty-year recap: Farmers are working hard, making less, producing more and going out of business due to what appears to be a little known financial reality to the farming world known as – are you ready for this – capitalism. Holy shit, Batman.

But that’s not what I’m ranting about today. Nope. Been there, done that. Instead I’m going to show you how Freyne turned a supposed news event into a story about – drum roll, please – HIMSELF. Taste this from his blog entry that was supposed to be about the farm bill:

Funny thing, when I gave up the booze a couple years ago, I also gave up milk. The milk, unlike the John Power's Irish, was not deliberate. It just happened as my diet shifted to fruits, vegetables and salad.

You don't think giving up milk caused the cancer, do you?

Nah, it was probably giving up the booze… By the way, I'm back on milk. A quart a day.

Feeling pretty good, too

As for the farm bill hearing, well, you’ll just have to read the real papers to get news about that.

And the reason I started this particular Freyne rant was that I received numerous emails over the weekend from folks who gave two snarky thumbs-up to my earlier Freyne coverage, all wondering the same thing I wondered: How long must his column go on? The guy needs a break. Take it, Peter. Please?

Send In The Progs: Finally, I got an email from a reader asking me why I never mention Vermont’s Progressive Party. Well, I beg to differ. Don’t you remember the little contest I ran here that asked you, dear readers, to tell the difference between the Prog flunky Anthony Pollina and Kiss’ Gene Simmons. I mean, what more do you want from me?

But the email did inspire me to go over to the Prog’s website and conclude that, indeed, I haven’t missed a fucking thing by ignoring them. In a time of war and impeachment talk the Progs have apparently decided to ignore both burning issues. Instead, they’ve decided to feature the Progressive Mayor of Burlington in a Mardi Gras costume on their front page. Oh yeah, that’ll build the base…

Sorry, but I find it nothing short of leaderless for the Progs to continuously hide from the big issues of the day. Where, for example, were they during the Sheehan hearing? Did Big-Bad Bernie tell his junior players to stay home? You know you’ve got trouble when you’re a third party and the fucking Democrats are making you look sleepy and rudderless.

Come on, Progs, get a clue. Lead, or get out of the way. Personally, I prefer the latter.

And that concludes this episode of Random Snarky Boy. Sorry I didn’t get to much mail but – hey – there’s always tomorrow.

Love always,

Snarky Boy