Wednesday, January 31, 2007

AMBER ALERT: Where's Brian Dubie?

Hey gang. I’m sure you all remember a man named Brian Dubie, don’t you? If not, he’s the goober of a guy who also happens to hold the title of Lieutenant Governor of the State of Vermont. Yeah, our state. He’s also a pilot for American Airlines, yet another excuse for reasonable people to stay the hell off of airplanes. And, to complete this silly little biographical sketch, his brother – the other half of Vermont’s own version of the Dubie Brothers – is the uniform-wearing Dubie Dude who heads Vermont’s National Guard. Or, if you’d prefer, he’s Michael Dubie.

The last time Vermonters truly heard from the Dubester was when he was getting his political head bashed in by Matt Dunne during last year’s election season. Dunne, as you’ll recall, ran the one-note campaign that wondered over and over and over again about Dubie schedule. The underlying point in Dunne’s dogged pursuit of Dubie’s appointment calendar was that the Lt. Gov. was basically a political no-show.

And, let’s face it, Dunne had a point. It’s just that voters were looking for more than one point from a political challenger like Dunne who seemed to be all-too in love with himself and rather ensconced in an unseemly sense of political entitlement.

But Dunne did manage to put a scare into Dubie. Hell, he even managed to elicit some passion from the guy who can truly be called our “accidental” Lt. Gov. for stumbling into the seat in 2002 and then just playing his incumbent cards to win two other elections. Dubie, as you’ll recall, started acting like the enraged frat-boy who saw someone cut in front of him in the keg line when Dunne kept bringing up his empty schedule and empty office.

“Hey,” Dubie would declare, “you better have the facts when you make those kinds of accusations.” And then he’d slam his hand on the desk, point to a stupid little “log book,” and then expect a tear of sympathy when he’d whimper this line over and over again: “And my wife worked late into the night and the weekend to put that book and my schedule together.”

But no one asked him if his wife enjoyed the fruits of his $60,000-plus salary for what has amounted to no-show job except when he want to sell a cow to Cuba, stand silently by Douglas at a couple ribbon cuttings, or painfully try to complete sentences in a few media appearances a year.

Well, the legislative session is in and Dubie’s supposed to be back doing the people’s business so let’s try to find out what he’s been up to. Or, as Dubie would say, let’s “look at the fact.” And we can start by taking a little stroll over to the Dubester’s official website. Go ahead, click on the link, look around for a minute and then come back. I’ll wait.

Now let’s review what we just saw. First of all, for a guy who just came off a campaign where he was accused of doing nothing, you’d think he’d start his new term by doing SOMETHING. Not the Dubester. No siree. He apparently thinks he’s so snug in his electoral cocoon that he can continue to be the Lite Guv Slacker and – worse – be proud of it.

I’m counting exactly two press releases from his office since the November election. Yes, two. And neither is even close to interesting, informative or – well – significant. Don’t believe me? Taste this headline from one of the TWO press announcements his office has put out since the election: “Lt. Gov. Brian Dubie Brings Vermont Aerospace and Aviation Association to Rutland State Airport.”

Wow. Nice work, Brian.

But, since we know you’re a pilot in your real life, it’s pretty damn clear that this event was just a chance for you to use public money to go and hang out with your plane-obsessed buddies. At least I hope that’s the case because you can’t be stupid enough to think that Vermonters give a crap about that meeting. Remember, the election was mostly about the war, property taxes, affordability and health care.

Dubie’s other press burp – er, I mean, release – was a rather sleepy announcement about the fact that he did what he’s required to do at the start of every legislative session: give the Lite Guv inaugural address. And here’s a little Snarky Boy challenge and reward for you, dear readers. I’ll buy anyone who manages to read Dubie’s entire speech a beer or the beverage of his or her choice. The catch is that you’ll have to visit me at Charlie O’s to redeem it and you must enter the formerly-smoky and now just smelly establishment and say these words: “I read Dubie’s entire inaugural address and I’m here for my free Snarky Boy beer.”

That’ll do wonders for your reputation there. Trust me. And you’ll immediately know which one is me because I’ll be the one with my beer coming out of my nose as a result of the uncontrollable laughter.

Now, where was I? Oh yes, Dubie’s website.

Let’s look at what Dubie calls his official “events.” Now remember, this is from Dubie’s website as it appears today, January 30, 2007. Click here to see the first “event” Dubie lists. Yep, that’s from June 2003. And what the hell’s up with that picture? Can you say: Slacker. I swear it’s cropped that way only to hide the bong that must have been on the table.

Now let’s go to Dubie’s last official event, event number two. Yep, the Dubester’s still in 2003. And what better way to prove that you’re on the job and working hard for the people than posting a picture of yourself with a fucking fish.

Where’s Matt Dunne when we need him? Or, better yet, where in the hell’s the Vermont media on this?

Ladies and gentlemen, our lieutenant governor, Brian Dubie, has left the building. Worse, he apparently thinks we – the people – are stupid enough to think he’s working hard by posting a few dopey announcements and photos from 2003 on his website.

I know it’s a little dramatic to issue an Amber Alert for him, but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know where he is and I don’t know what he’s doing. And while he may not be a child, he’s certainly child-like.

Please, someone, can you find our Lite Guv?