Monday, January 22, 2007

God Save....Your Football Team!?!

Hey gang. Sorry I’m late today. And thanks for all the emails, too. Yowza, I think we’ve found some kind of snarky love here, no? Yeah, you’re right – probably not. But a painter guy’s got to dream…

Speaking of painter guy, what a miserable day with the brush. Let me say what needs to be said: I wish house wives still drugged themselves silly like the good old days when my mom was a housewife and popped valium like popcorn. And that goes for househusbands, too. Good-fucking-lord (ew, that’s an odd image), what a miserable bunch.

I was finishing up an inside (paint) job today and the little lady of the house about made me bonkers. Of course, it didn’t help that I showed up a bit hung over from an afternoon – and a good chunk of the evening – at the bars watching football. Let’s just say that it’s NOT my last day at the Queen of Liberty Street’s house – not after she bitched and moaned about the “shimmering-ness” (her word, not mine) of the second coat.

Okay, she wants to see “shimmering-ness,” fine – check out my ass as it shimmers to the door for the last goddamn time. Fuck it.

Or at least that’s what I wanted to say. But, in my business, you don’t get very far with that kind of trash talk. So, instead, you say something like, “yeah, I see what you mean. I’ll go down to Sherwin Williams and see what they did wrong with the mix.”

Ah, and then you go back to the scene of yesterday’s crime – Charlie O’s – slam a cold one and then thank your lucky stars that you have a blog called Snarky Boy to go home to. In other words, you little word suckers are about to get the rant from the painter bastard. But, then again, that’s what you always get.

First, let’s look at the football games. I won a cool $20 bucks on both games yesterday. I took both home teams – Chicago and Indianapolis – and won ‘em, baby. But I played more pool than I watched. Let’s face it, football is fucking boring until the last couple of minutes. And then they still seem to do their best to put you to sleep with one goddamn commercial after another.

But I was alert enough to see the best fan sign of the day from a snarky bastard Chicago fan. Before I give you the goods, let me remind you that Chicago was playing New Orleans. The sign read: “The Chicago Bears will finish what Katrina started.” Ouch.

To me, that sign was better than all the bullshit about how New Orleans needed the Super Bowl victory this year to help “heal the city.” Give me a fucking break. New Orleans doesn’t need a Super Bowl victory, they need a butt load of federal cash, an administration that would stop shitting on them, and an American public that would stop nodding in agreement when someone says something as stupid as “New Orleans needs a Super Bowl victory.”

But the worst part of the football day came at the end of the second game between Indianapolis and New England. I was on cloud nine in the midst of all the obnoxious New England fans – yes, reveling in their losing ninniness – when I stopped to watch the postgame festivities. First up on national television was the owner of the Indianapolis Colts, Jim Irsay, who had this to say about the win: “All the glory of this win goes to God because it was God’s plan to give us this victory.”


Then it only got more weird when the crowd went wild and cheered this kind of nonsense. And then it went off the weird meter when the coach of the Colts, Tony Dungy, grabbed the microphone – again on primetime national television – and had this say: “All the thanks for this game goes to Jesus because it was Jesus who made all this happen.”

Oh fuck. Suddenly, it became really goddamn clear that I just wasted hours of my life watching little more than Christian lunatics playing a really stupid and violent game. Well, at least I got some good pool playing and socializing in – not to mention the free snarky beers.

But let’s go back to the God and Jesus statements. How fucked up do you have to be to believe that God and Jesus are rooting for your football team? And they can’t even get it straight if it was God or Jesus who had the plan for them to win for – excuse the pun -- Christ’s sake.

If these boys really believe in this hokum – the God/Jesus fiction – wouldn’t they also want to believe that God/Jesus had something better to do on a Sunday evening than plan for one football team to beat another? I mean, we are a world with many wars, famines, injustices and inequalities amongst us, no?

But, if you follow their logic, their God/Jesus basically took the day off from people in real need to make sure their team got to the fucking Super Bowl. Sorry, but that’s just whacked, not to mention more than a wee-bit evil.

And this whole “God/Jesus is on my side” stuff kind of proves that the people spouting it didn’t do a very good job of reading the Bible novel. I read it and I found the Jesus character to be rather opposed to this competition thing. In fact, he seemed rather hippyish to me. And if he was anywhere on Sunday, he would have been at an outdoor sandal fest long before he would have been inside a dome cheering with those war-happy lunatics.

You’ve really got to have a keen love for yourself – not to mention a beyond bloated since of importance – to not only believe but publicly declare that your team won because God/Jesus is on your side. It’s that kind of thinking that could lead you to – let’s say – start a war in the Middle East.

Fuck it. It’s been a long day. I’ve got a ton of other stuff to share with you but it’ll have to wait until later.

Stay tuned….