Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Feel the Love

My goodness, people, either you're going to take me seriously or not. But we can't have anymore of this in between bullshit. I mean, come on, the good lady at the Burlington Free Press writes these good words, followed by the Queen of Vermont Blogging writing this review of the good words and you snot-nosed little blogging dweebs have to go and jump ugly about it all.

I mean, come on, I’ve been nothing but nice to you people – and this is the thanks I get? (Thanks, Snarky Mom, for that last line from my childhood).

Yesterday I had to visit my therapist about it, trying to reconcile the love and the hate of it all. And here's the best line I got from my nervous little mental-helper, in an apparent effort to get me to understand the attacks from the bloggers I thought were my friends: "The hideous scars of jealousy are best covered."

I have no idea what the hell that means but I nodded just like I think I’m supposed to. I’m terrible at therapy encounters. I can’t stop thinking that I need to fool the person trying to help me. You know, like not letting them know that anything’s wrong. I’m the exact opposite of Woody Allen in those situations, just claming up or going into a manic state of super-okayness.

I also don’t know why she’s so goddamn nervous either. It’s not like I’m that nuts. Maybe it’s the whole double identity thing going on, and my refusal to let her question it. Or maybe it’s because she’s my nephew’s school psychologist and I’m visiting her during school hours. Who knows. But she’s not very nice about any of it, either. I mean, get over it, I pay my taxes. And it’s not like I bug her during the summer break. Whatever.

But this whole Vermont blogger jealousy thing is perplexing. Notice, for example, that it’s the pompous blogosphere liberals who are leading the charge to duck tape Snarky’s mouth. That, my friends, is a fine example of how far today’s liberalism has drifted from its vaunted beginnings – way back to…hmmm… oh yes…. Jesus. Now he was quite the wandering slacker, huh?

Today’s liberalism is a joyless little affair. Don’t believe me? Just say these two words: Bernie Sanders. There, got my point? I mean, come on, can you imagine having a beer with Bernie? First, I have a feeling he’s got terrible breath from chronic dry mouth and, secondly, he’d just be obnoxiously boring. I’ll bet when he gets tipsy he just says the same things he always says but only faster.

Imagine Bernie telling a joke. Imagine Bernie laughing so uncontrollably that his soda comes out his nose. Imagine Bernie doubling over in laughter. Imagine Bernie telling us he saw the movie “Jackass” and liked it because it took his mind off suffering people.

Sorry, it ain’t gonna happen.

Today’s liberalism seems to be about joylessness and control. I bet I could put a pencil between the butt cheeks of any modern liberal and it wouldn’t fall out until I took it out. These bastards never lighten up. Never let loose. And get totally fucking freaked out when anyone dares to veer from the script they live their pathetic little lives by.

These are the kinds of people, for example, who get excited about recycling for crying out loud. It will never dawn on them that it’s still just glorified garbage. And it will absolutely never occur to them that they’ve got so much recycling because they’re buying way too much crap for their kiddies.

Yeah, you know the type. It’s the “getting things done” liberals. They keep their hair short, their lawns short, their clothes clean and pressed – even the jeans!, and if there’s any sex to be had that will happen on schedule on Saturday night at 9:45.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not giving up on the opportunity to be a trickster, to revel in “risky” humor, or to stick my finger in the eye of the pompous bloats once in a while just because I live in the land of Vermont, home of the uptight liberal and 1% for peace. (Did the other 99% go to war?)

I don’t know where in the hell I was going with any of this but I’ve got to get back to work.