Monday, August 07, 2006

It's Governor Howdy Doody Time

Weird weekend, for sure. Vermont being what it is – small – I got to bump into the two major party candidates for governor, Jim Douglas and Scudder Parker. And my impressions were pretty similar: No matter who wins, we’ll have a fucking nerd for a governor. I have no idea how Vermont got its reputation as some kind of hip, alternative state but, from my wanderings, it ain’t the least bit true.

First, Douglas looks like some kind of Howdy Doody rip-off. Is he for real? And what the fuck is up with his pants? Or maybe it’s not his pants; maybe it’s his complete lack of a waist or stomach, because his goddamn pants were pulled up to his man-titties. It was just fucking weird. And then he sports those over-sized glasses that make his eyes look bigger and his little face look even littler. Weird. I’d expect to see Jimmy D. behind the desk in some accounting firm or H&R Block office, but not the governor’s desk in Vermont.

The best thing Douglas has got going for him is that he knows how to use his nerdiness. He kind of “awe-shucks” you to sleep. He made me think of the poor nerdy bastard in school who the rest of us relentlessly pestered. But now we’re all feeling guilty for it, and Jimmy D. knows it because he’s playing on it.

When he shakes your hand and gives you his Howdy Doody hello, he’s basically saying: “You tortured me for years in school, you fuck, now you better at least vote for me to make amends.”

Okay! Okay! Take my vote and leave me the hell alone.

And then there’s Scudder Parker. Who? Yeah right, that’s what everyone is asking. In fact, the other day I heard a Burlington radio newscaster actually mispronounce his first name, calling him “Scooter Parker.” That’s what you call a bad sign in a political race, especially in a small state like Vermont where everyone should at least know how to pronounce your name four months before an election.

But Scooter – er, Scudder – is quite forgettable. He’s apparently so envious of the Douglas’ nerdy-guy revenge strategy that he’s trying to use it, too. But, like all liberal rip-offs, it just doesn’t come across with the same kind of innocence. Parker’s the kind of nerd who hasn’t accepted his nerdiness like Douglas has. Parker’s still trying to convince you that he’s not a nerd by trying to pal up to you, understand “your pain,” and then totally blow it by only demonstrating his nerdiness more by knowing EVERYTHING about whatever issue is mentioned in his vicinity. Fuck that.

And whom am I voting for? Well, the nerd, of course.